Thoughts &
Musings…
(past & present, coming soon)
WORKING TITLE
I am on the cusp of 32-years-old and realizing that I never learned how to take care of myself.I don’t do dishes. And so I avoid using them.
I don’t know how to take care of myself.
I am realizing that I do not know how to take care of myself.
And the reality of my own delusion once again falls out of illusion.
And maybe now that I see that; see that for what it is; maybe I can grow.
Maybe now is when I learn.
Maybe I am allowed to let myself learn.
Maybe I am capable of learning and changing.
The pain never goes away, and that is the Grim Acceptance of this enduring process.
How do we live with the pain – and Have Hope, and Heal, and look ahead and carry on?
“Touched by the Spirit – Touched by the Flame!”
CHANGE//PAIN.
We are allowed to forgive ourselves and keep living. We just are.
If mercy is for everyone, we are certainly no exception.
If mercy is for everyone, I am certainly no exception.
Absolution.
Forgiveness given.
“Stop!
You’re Beautiful!
(Again)”
This ever-loving, ever-moving journey goes onward.
It just simply goes onward.
To act, in this moment, with hope that we may live to see the next. With honour and courage; with unrepentant authenticity and Without Fear.
I give myself permission to let myself move on.
I think that I’m really just allowed to see what’s next.
On the cusp of 32 and I always knew there was magick in this number.
And I’m lucky enough that Dad’s coming for a visit – I’m feeling really happy and lucky that Dad’s coming for a visit.
I’m not feeling badly about the mess, because, truly he’s seen worse; and because, truly, this man Forgives.
Divine timing, maybe.
I am on the cusp of 32-years-old and realizing that I am allowed to learn, finally, from my Dad.
To let things go and let things end; to grant yourself divine pardon and have hope for the possibility of the future; to learn your lessons and move on.
To Fight and to Forgive.
To stand steady in your shoes and let yourself live on, because there is simply no one else to carry this torch – We live on because we have to, and light the way with our last dampened matchstick of resolve.
September 25, 2024
PD
SONIC ACCOMPANIMENT:
Ophelia – Tori Amos
Grist for the Malady Mill – mewithoutYou
What She Said – The Smiths
Final Rescue Attempt – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Send His Love To Me – PJ Harvey
Pancake – Tori Amos
Papa Won’t Leave You, Henry – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Carry Me Ohio – Sun Kil Moon
Wild God – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Hopelessness – Anohni
Scarlet’s Walk – Tori Amos
Un bel dí vedremo from Madama Butterfly – Maria Callas
Bank of Boston Beauty Queen – The Dresden Dolls
A PRAYER FOR ABSOLUTION
What do I want to get rid of? :Self-doubt, self-blame.
Uncertainty; certainly.
Guilt that isn’t owed.
Shame that isn’t mine.
Lack of belief in the possibility of myself.
I want to absolve myself of lifelong emotional distress.
To rid myself of the feelings of being beholden to anyone or anything that isn’t my own.
I will embrace myself and my own healing.
I will Believe In My Vision and my own ability to heal.
I will keep my eyes steady and ahead on my own horizon.
I will nourish and water my living, breathing Body.
I will rid myself of hatred for that body;
I will rid myself of self-annihilation.
I will rid myself of all thoughts and chokeholds that do not serve me.
I will embrace my own ability to focus.
I will embrace my own ability to harness my power.
I will rid myself of Victimization.
I will trust my Inner Knowing and I will Let MySelf Heal.
♥
3 ♥ 2
♥
PD
✵ ABSOLUTION – acceptance, forgiveness, reawakening of my spirit ✵
✮ Renaissance ✮
It is time to come Alive again. It is time to Let Yourself Live. Learn, live, acceptance.
SONIC ACCOMPANIMENT:
A Child’s Question, August – PJ Harvey
Disappear – Meghan Wolf
Virginia – Tori Amos
The Words That Maketh Murder – PJ Harvey
The Prisoner – Comus
Dear God, I Hate Myself – Xiu Xiu
Conversion – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
The Seven Seals Are Revealed At The End Of Time As Seven Bows: The BloodBow, The PainBow, The PissBow, The FamineBow, The DeathBow, The AngerBow, The HohohoBow – Current 93
Let My People Go – Diamanda Galás
THE MYTHOLOGY OF SAMUEL
WASHINGTON D.C.
September 2024
I spent the day with myself.
An unexpected day with myself.
I have been dissociating lately; leaving Reality;
a Solitary summer spent inside my head retreating further and further away from the sound of my spirit.
I think, maybe, I am an interesting person.
I think there is a lot that I ought to be doing; a lot that I ought to be thinking.
I am used to being overwhelmed by the sound of myself.
I am used to being drowned in the sound of myself.
I have learned how to live, without breath, underwater.
I spent some time with a fountain today.
I kissed a coin and threw it in and maybe in that exchange I let myself come back up Out of the water.
What do I need?
I wonder.
Maybe this is the year I’ll learn.
Maybe this is the year I’ll let myself learn.
I spent some time on a roof today, too, –
I didn’t jump.
(We always think about it, though, don’t we? – And maybe we Always Will.)
I spent some time in Washington D.C. getting to remember myself again.
I think about what I am looking for in this life.
I think about if it’s possible for me to ever even find it.
I think What if I am looking for something that isn’t ever to be found and does that matter as long as starlings keep showing up for me?
I thank you, whoever, for the Visit.
I thank you for taking the time to drop by.
I yearn to be thought of.
I yearn for the feeling of being considered.
I yearn for the emotional connection of a spiritual Visit.
I keep wishing for clarity but I don’t actually have any idea what I’m even asking for clarity about.
What would answers look like? – What would I do if I got them?
I think I need maybe to Think myself more.
Do I still yearn for the validation of someone else keeping me alive?
What does it look like to Save myself?
I live in the world where music is always playing and I think I’ve been lost there and I think about Where Have I Been?
How do I learn to just sit down on this roof?
How do I learn to sit down with myself and live with the idea of not jumping?
How do I live with myself? – and not set up the trap for myself to be broken in?
I am thinking that maybe I probably, actually victimize myself.
As someone-or-other used to say –
“What is that about?”
Stop, I’m thinking; let it go.
I have to learn that it’s okay to stop.
I think I need to learn that it’s okay to stop.
I think I need to learn that it’s okay to sit with the sound of my own thoughts.
I think I need to learn to trust myself.
I think I also need to earn my own trust – frankly and to be honest, I wouldn’t trust me either.
(Is that actually some kind of issue, that I feel as though I am inherently unworthy of trust??? –
“What is that about??”)
I found my way back to the fountain.
I’m taking in the view at sunset and the birds on the horizon. And maybe that’s what it’s about.
Samuel says that I’m right where I’m supposed to be – and we all know that Sams truly know best.
What is the mythology of Samuel?, I wonder.
Who am I doing this for, if not my grandfather?
I see the birds on the horizon and now I’m weeping in public, as I seem to find myself from more-often-than-time-to-time.
I let myself weep.
I promise to always let myself weep.
As surely as any other living thing I think I am allowed to let myself weep.
I’m considering the fountain –
What it means to be made of water and weeping forever; what it means to be the lifeforce pouring, feeding back into yourself.
What it means to throw yourself a penny.
What it means to stand alone and self-sustaining, and to throw yourself a penny if and when you can.
SONIC ACCOMPANIMENT:
New Age – Tori Amos
Axolotl – The Veils
Jesus of the Moon – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Darts of Pleasure – Franz Ferdinand
This Is Hardcore – Pulp
Memories – Leonard Cohen
Inside You – That Handsome Devil
Lost Kitten – Metric
Venus in Furs – The Velvet Underground
Nathalie – Gilbert Bécaud
She Will – Savages
Cruel – Tori Amos
Watch Me – Anohni
Extreme Ways – Moby
You Go To My Head – Y Kant Tori Read
Seventeen – Sharon van Etten
Goddess On a Hiway – Mercury Rev
Never Get Old – Sinéad O’Connor
How To Keep Living
HOW TO KEEP LIVING:
a 31-year-manifesto
HOW TO KEEP LIVING:
a 31-year-manifesto
by (Living) Peachy Death, 2024
1. Ice cream with rainbow sprinkles always. Get the sprinkles always. The colour makes it better. The colour brightens up your mood.
2. Mercy Always. For animals + humans.
3. Compassion Always. For animals + humans.
4. Believe in the good of humanity always. Believe that Goodness is possible always.
5. Change is always possible. At any point. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
6. Learn as much as you can, always, about the world around you. Form your own opinions. Believe in your conscience and in the validity of your own thoughts.
7. Always stand up for and do what you believe is Right. You are the living example. You are not a hypocrite, and you will lead with truth. Do the Next Right Thing always.
8. Good intentions only, always. It simply isn’t ever worth negativity at anyone’s expense.
9. Listen to good music, always. Keep music playing always. Feel it in your bones.
10. Find and engage in as many experiences as you can that you know have the potential to fundamentally change your Spirit, your Self, your Person. Engage in them fully and often.
11. Allow yourself to weep in public. Allow yourself to weep with witnesses.
12. Travel at any opportunity; travel often. Don’t lose sight of your life back home, but you should see the country and the world around you. Keep your finger on the pulse.
13. See and hear live performance. You are an artist with your own emotional experience.
14. See your loved ones whenever, wherever you can, whenever you are able to. If even in another country, if even for an hour.
15. Help the animal always. Rescue the animal always. Save the animal always. Show mercy and compassion to animals always, in all ways.
16. You should keep on hand as many stickers as you’d like. They’ll bolster your spirits.
17. Surround yourself with your favourite things – your favourite colours, your favourite sounds, your favourite lights, your favourite sensations. You deserve to live with things you love.
18. Create your home and life in ways that honour and cherish what Childe You™ would have wanted.
19. Listen to good music always.
20. Document your life for yourself, in writing. Keep your thoughts alive on paper. You are the keeper of your own journey.
21. Get a Polaroid or other instant camera. For your own sake, and for everyone around you.
22. Let yourself have the treat, always. You deserve it and you never had to earn it.
23. Let yourself do fun things. Let yourself have and engage in a fun experience.
24. Keep a collection of your own stories – this will become your reputation, your legacy, your party trick. You are your own storyteller.
25. Listen to WILD GOD by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Listen many times; loud enough that you feel it. Let it change your life.
26. Trust your Inner Knowing. You are the only one who knows what’s Right for You. Trust the validity of your thoughts and your feelings. Trust the validity of your emotions and your opinions. Trust the validity of your own perspective.
27. See the Magick in the Living Moment – see the Magick in the world around you. Allow yourself to take in every moment – this is the human experience.
28. Know that Magick lies within you. Once you allow yourself to feel your own Magick, the entire world opens up. Things can get better, and they do if you let them. It is always the Right Time to Let Yourself Live.
29. Accept love, magnificence, and beauty when they are offered. Accept miracles, accept angels, accept that life changes and allow yourself to move through it. Accept the gifts that keep your spirit alive.
30. Laugh loudly, laugh often, laugh deep down into your soul. “Keep laughing – it helps one survive the absurdity of it all.”
31. Believe In Your Vision.
Believe in Your Vision.
Believe in Your Vision.