THE MYTHOLOGY OF SAMUEL
WASHINGTON D.C.
September 2024
I spent the day with myself.
An unexpected day with myself.
I have been dissociating lately; leaving Reality;
a Solitary summer spent inside my head retreating further and further away from the sound of my spirit.
I think, maybe, I am an interesting person.
I think there is a lot that I ought to be doing; a lot that I ought to be thinking.
I am used to being overwhelmed by the sound of myself.
I am used to being drowned in the sound of myself.
I have learned how to live, without breath, underwater.
I spent some time with a fountain today.
I kissed a coin and threw it in and maybe in that exchange I let myself come back up Out of the water.
What do I need?
I wonder.
Maybe this is the year I’ll learn.
Maybe this is the year I’ll let myself learn.
I spent some time on a roof today, too, –
I didn’t jump.
(We always think about it, though, don’t we? – And maybe we Always Will.)
I spent some time in Washington D.C. getting to remember myself again.
I think about what I am looking for in this life.
I think about if it’s possible for me to ever even find it.
I think What if I am looking for something that isn’t ever to be found and does that matter as long as starlings keep showing up for me?
I thank you, whoever, for the Visit.
I thank you for taking the time to drop by.
I yearn to be thought of.
I yearn for the feeling of being considered.
I yearn for the emotional connection of a spiritual Visit.
I keep wishing for clarity but I don’t actually have any idea what I’m even asking for clarity about.
What would answers look like? – What would I do if I got them?
I think I need maybe to Think myself more.
Do I still yearn for the validation of someone else keeping me alive?
What does it look like to Save myself?
I live in the world where music is always playing and I think I’ve been lost there and I think about Where Have I Been?
How do I learn to just sit down on this roof?
How do I learn to sit down with myself and live with the idea of not jumping?
How do I live with myself? – and not set up the trap for myself to be broken in?
I am thinking that maybe I probably, actually victimize myself.
As someone-or-other used to say –
“What is that about?”
Stop, I’m thinking; let it go.
I have to learn that it’s okay to stop.
I think I need to learn that it’s okay to stop.
I think I need to learn that it’s okay to sit with the sound of my own thoughts.
I think I need to learn to trust myself.
I think I also need to earn my own trust – frankly and to be honest, I wouldn’t trust me either.
(Is that actually some kind of issue, that I feel as though I am inherently unworthy of trust??? –
“What is that about??”)
I found my way back to the fountain.
I’m taking in the view at sunset and the birds on the horizon. And maybe that’s what it’s about.
Samuel says that I’m right where I’m supposed to be – and we all know that Sams truly know best.
What is the mythology of Samuel?, I wonder.
Who am I doing this for, if not my grandfather?
I see the birds on the horizon and now I’m weeping in public, as I seem to find myself from more-often-than-time-to-time.
I let myself weep.
I promise to always let myself weep.
As surely as any other living thing I think I am allowed to let myself weep.
I’m considering the fountain –
What it means to be made of water and weeping forever; what it means to be the lifeforce pouring, feeding back into yourself.
What it means to throw yourself a penny.
What it means to stand alone and self-sustaining, and to throw yourself a penny if and when you can.
SONIC ACCOMPANIMENT:
New Age – Tori Amos
Axolotl – The Veils
Jesus of the Moon – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Darts of Pleasure – Franz Ferdinand
This Is Hardcore – Pulp
Memories – Leonard Cohen
Inside You – That Handsome Devil
Lost Kitten – Metric
Venus in Furs – The Velvet Underground
Nathalie – Gilbert Bécaud
She Will – Savages
Cruel – Tori Amos
Watch Me – Anohni
Extreme Ways – Moby
You Go To My Head – Y Kant Tori Read
Seventeen – Sharon van Etten
Goddess On a Hiway – Mercury Rev
Never Get Old – Sinéad O’Connor
